Membership requirements

I've decided to start a new club. There are a few things that have led me to this decision: 1. The attitude of exclusiveness and defining who is cool in our new suburban neighborhood, 2. Going to the doctor last week and reaching over the "average" 35lb. weight gain mark with still a whole trimester to go, feeling frustrated that I've exercised and eaten pretty well throughout pregnancy and there is nothing else I can do, and then having a pow-wow with God and deciding for the rest of pregnancy I'm only going to refer to myself as a beautiful diva, 3. Re-connecting with some of my snobby sorority sisters who are all about clubs, and 4. Watching my mom's club "The Saggy-Ass YaYas" have their annual cruise two weeks ago on a pontoon boat.

There will be a few requirements to be in this club. The first hoop is determining whether you are a "real" woman or not. Real women have curves and have to work to keep their bodies fit. You must meet one of the following requirements, or if you are me, you can meet all of them:

1. You gained 15+ pounds during college or at some other point in your life and had to work hard to get it off.

2. You gained more than the "average" 25-35lbs. during a pregnancy, know that you probably will gain more than this amount, or did not have weight simply "fall off" after you had kids.

3. You have passed a cookie store in the mall and bought a large cookie with frosting and ate the whole thing knowing that you should have stopped half-way through because you were getting sick, but also knowing that you kind of wanted to get another one in a little bit.

4. You have brothers that have at some point in your life made fun of you for having saggy arms, muscle-man legs, or a double-chin.

5. At some point you have decided that everyone deserves a break and it really would be ok for you to eat crap and not exercise for at least one month. You then paid major consequences for that poor decision.

6. You surpassed your husband's weight during pregnancy and cried during the process of carrying a baby because his boxers and t-shirts didn't fit as early as 6 months along.

Potential members who do not meet one of these requirements may still be considered, however may be more severely hazed. This club is not for the naturally very-skinny, wimps, or those who have never struggled with real-woman issues. There will be other requirements on different topics along the way. The club maintence requirements include the ocasional e-mail from me sharing some important thoughts (since this is initiation month you may get more than usual), helping me come up with a good club name, and maybe eventually going on a trip to a spa or some other diva location. If you do not want to be a member, or know in your heart you really are not a "real" woman and don't belong, please feel free to remove your name from the membership list. If you are a true member, please e-mail me back and let me know which requirement (s) you meet, and your ideas for new criteria.