Finding a Therapist

I was re-reading my post from yesterday and realized I wasn't very helpful as far as finding a therapist. And please know that my personal journey has been long and difficult. I have by no means arrived, and I don't expect "arrival" from others. BUT, if you are my friend at any level deeper than talking about football I'm always going to encourage you every once in awhile to go talk to someone. Hopefully not in a pushy way, but more because I care about you and want you to experience what I have gained from having an outside perspective.

I can't help you pay for counseling, but I can watch your kids if you live around here, help you find a good fit in a therapist, and search for low-fee people if money is an issue. Plus, I've been trained to keep everything about the subject confidential, so it's not like you have to worry about me squealing on you. There you go, now all the excuses have run out. Now if only I could find weight-loss therapy. :)

Nationally Certified Counselors (this is what I am) can be found by typing in your zip code on this website: www.nbcc.org

Look for someone that has an interest roughly in your particular issue-set even if you aren't sure exactly what they are yet. For me, I would look for words like "Women's Issues, Spiritual Direction, Career Counseling, Anxiety/Depression,etc." And don't worry if you don't know what you will say the first time you go. I sat through my first few appointments pretty much in silence with my therapist in Denver because I wasn't comfortable enough to talk. She asked me questions that finally got me rolling.

A Client of Mine

I've been thinking today about a client I had in Denver we will call Sarah. I met with Sarah for two years nearly weekly. She is in her mid-50's and is married with no children. Sarah did something that I've noticed it is hard for many people to do: she got help. She decided her life wasn't being lived to the fullest because of some emotional baggage she carried from her childhood. We ALL have emotional baggage from our childhoods. Yes, some people have 10 suitcases and some have 2, but we ALL have stuff swimming around inside us that needs to come out, be dealt with, and then packed away and shipped to a foreign land.

Most of the adults I know have never taken the step Sarah did. They assume they don't have stuff to deal with or maybe they just have fond childhood memories. They don't understand that un-dealt-with baggage seeps out of them and creates issues in their marriage, their close relationships, and especially their parenting. I've noticed lately that people over 30 and those of us from the Mid-West are particularly reluctant to seek help for emotional problems. In Denver it was kind of hip to be in therapy for a few years in your 20's. Not so here. And the sad thing is that those who are most reluctant to really digging stuff up and taking a look at it stand out like a Bronco Fan at a Chiefs Game. Their woundedness is apparent and sad, just like mine was in high school and college.

When I was training to be a therapist, David and I both saw a counselor individually once a week for a year. It was the best school assignment I've ever been given, and I consider myself a blessed woman that my husband was willing to look at himself too. The self-awareness and confidence that came out of that period has made us whole. Both as individuals and in our marriage. Throughout that year there were times where we were both angry with our parents, forgiving of our parents, hard on year other, tender with each other. The emotional spectrum was broad. But it was so worth it. My parents and a few of our friends have been on the same journey. I can spot a healthy person or couple a mile away. Unfortunately I can also spot the opposite.

Three years later we are still going strong based on what we learned about ourselves and each other in counseling. We have an incredible marriage. Yes, we still wound each other. Yes, I sometimes still get too mad and David gets too passive, but we are now AWARE where those things come from and able to face them head on instead of being blindsided. And as far as Thomas? We know we are going to mess up and pass on some unhealthy traits to him. But our hope is that when he is 25 and going through counseling he will be able to talk to us about it all and eventually grant us grace. It's much easier to grant grace to parents who have been on the journey and are willing to look at their faults than to those who haven't. We are headed back in for a tune-up soon, and it will be great to have someone objective listen.

Many have asked me if I think this kind of work can be done in a church. My answer is no. God made us whole people with physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional parts. Pastors are not trained to deal with the emotional parts of us, just like you wouldn't ask your counselor to also be your weight-lifting coach. The church can provide support to other parts of us, but it can't be a sole source of emotional support. A bible study where a leader asks how things are going for you is not the kind of work I'm talking about. I thought church and emotional work were one in the same for a long time. They are not.

So consider taking the step my client did. All the odds were against her: she is older, she didn't want to spend the money, she was set in her ways, she is from Michigan, and she didn't have tons of obvious baggage. But she took the step and sought me out. A year ago I received a letter from her stating because of her therapy she is now able to be more centered, at peace, and whole. I can say the same thing. Can you?

What I've Learned About Myself...Year One

Call me non-maternal. Call me a thinker instead of a feeler. Call me anti-gush. My son is one-year-old today, and I'm so relieved. I'm not very good at things in the first year. Transitions have always been tough for me. The first year of college I got depressed, my first summer of guiding I had no confidence, and our first year of marriage was BAAAD. I was hoping to dodge the bullet with the new baby transition. No such luck. But I have learned a lot about myself along the way. And the good news is I'm always better the second time around. Second year of college--awesome, second year of graduate school---one of the best years of my life. Second year of mothering? I'm already sensing a home run. Here's what I have learned in the midst of this crazy transition.

1. Especially in parenting, things are almost never going to go the way I plan them. Holding Thomas right after he was delivered? No dice. Breastfeeding? No pointy nipples, tongue control, or anti-reflux mouth. Trip to the mall without a poop? Not going to happen. Cleaning the house well every week? Yeah, right. Being the best stay-at-home-mom in the neighborhood? ha. And so, I must flex with my own plans. It's fine to make them, just don't hold on to them very tightly.

2. I'm a working woman. I've gone back and forth and round and round about this all year. I've been jealous of moms who were established in careers before having kids and could just switch to part-time. I've interviewed at a counseling job, Pottery Barn, Starbucks, done freelance writing, and applied at KU trying to make something work. I even tried ministry again in the hopes of finding some outside-the-home fulfillment. Very bad idea. But staying home full-time all the time? Not me.

3. With #2 being said, I now also know that I am a therapist. It's my calling, my passion. I don't want to work long-term as anything else. Sitting with others, working through things. I love it. Brainstorming new ideas. Gotta have it. Of course I don't want to be on-call, go into people's homes, and work strange hours, but if I can find something that is a good fit for our family I would be ecstatic, which is why I'm planning to take the classes I need to get my license in KS. I'm done waffling back and forth about it. I just gave them a non-refundable check. Oh and just so everyone knows where I stand, I believe every adult should be in counseling WEEKLY for at least one year of their life. I'm sick of hearing about people going to counseling once or twice to "fix" something. Everyone has issues, and going to talk to someone every once in awhile when they act up is like putting a band-aid on a gushing wound. Go more often for a long time and fix them at the core. Then go 6 times a year for tune-ups. Most people take better care of their cars than their emotional health, so don't tell me you are "in" counseling unless you are really going to dig up the roots. There is no stigma with me. It's painful, but so worth it.

4. I'm a 2, maybe 3 kid person, NOT a 3, maybe 4 kid person. Probably 2 since I hated being pregnant.

5. Unfortunately a lot of my confidence is tied to my weight. This is probably always going to be the case for me, BUT there are two things I can do to help that. #1. Excercise 3x per week no matter what. #2. Don't eat sugar. If these two things are in place, I tend to feel quite a bit better about myself.

6. I don't work well alone. I need alone-time, but I can't get anything done while by myself. It's unfortunate, but I have to have someone around to keep me focused. When writing, I have to have someone give me a deadline to get anything done. With house cleaning, David and I set the timer for 30 minutes and do what we can do. Without him I end up in some drawer deciding whether to keep or give away a green towel. I'm an introvert with completion problems. This is easily solved for me by cooking with friends, cleaning with David, and remembering that mothering is more about the process than the finish line.

7. I have to have women around me in my life stage that create a sense of belonging. I like being part of a group. My mom's group has been perfect. Book Club gives me a sense of belonging AND a deadline to actually finish the book. These groups cannot be a spiritual thing for me. I hate feeling pressure to belong to say, a bible study or a church, but I like being part of a creative writing club. Something about guilt for me there, I guess.

8. I need more mental stimulation than the average bear. My brain craves intellect, depth, and walking through complex relationships. I get jazzed by reading scholarly articles and Mental Health Journals. I'm excited when the conversation at playgroups turns from cheerios to in-laws. Call me a geek, but I'm sad this has been such a hole for me this year.

9. I must spend a certain number of hours per week creating. Writing, pictures, decorations, gifts. I feel a deep void if I haven't made time for this. It also has to be in my own space. Having my own studio has been huge for me. And I'm now feeling confident that creating is a hobby or side-thing, and doesn't have to make money or be my career.

10. I am much more comfortable as a slightly more conservative person in a liberal group than the other way around. This has seemed to come up over and over again for both David and I this year. Obama for President!

So why is year two going to be even better than year one? Because moving forward I know myself better and therefore am more at peace. Here's to being out of transition for awhile!

The Tommy vs. Thomas vs. Tom Debate

We love the name Thomas, which is why we chose it for our son. He is named after David's beloved grandfather. There has been a big debate in our families about what to call him. In Kansas, where things are less formal, he is called Tommy. In Texas, where everything is over-the-top, he is called Thomas. At home he is called Bubba. The poor kid is going to have a huge identity crises soon. This morning his Parents As Teachers educator asked if he responds to his name. We laughed and said we aren't sure. We know eventually he will be Tom, but we are holding out on the Thomas or Tommy until 6th Grade. And while it's fine with us if family and close friends call him Tommy, when he goes to school or even Kid's Day Out this Spring he will be Thomas. So there you have it. You can call our son Thomas or Tommy for the next 11 years. Bubba, Tommy Sam, and Tinkle Factory are all reserved for parents only. Sorry. Isn't it cool to get to name someone though? Oh and Norman just whispered in my ear that he is ready to be called Norm, not Normie anymore. He's a big boy now.

Creative Projects As of Late...

1. Thanksgiving Cornucopia with gords and corn from the Pumpkin Patch and real fruit. Cornucopia= $6 at Pier 1
2. Framed Watercolor of Thomas' Favorite Outfit painted by an artist in Hutchinson, KS my aunt knows. She gave us the painting for his 1st Birthday Gift. Very special!
3. My own Studio! I had my own space to create in Denver and had been really missing it here. My wonderful husband painted this spare room in the basement and helped me arrange furniture so that it can be my own place to go and create. I am such a spatial person that when I walk in here I feel free to tune everything else out and work on projects. David and Thomas know not to bug me when the door is closed to the room, and Norman isn't allowed in there.
4. First Birthday party favors and decor. More on this to come, but Tommy Lisenby is turning one just a week from today! We're having a Barnyard theme party complete with animal decorations, costumes, and decorations.
5. The baby book...finished just in time for the 1st Birthday Party. I'm now excited to go digital for the years to come and hire my friend Crystal, who has her own business making digital albums, to do our albums for us.

Cousin Tribute

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY COUSIN! Carolyn-I forgot to write down your new e-mail address, but I know you read this blog. Have a great day today! For those of you that don't know her, Car-Tot has been one of my biggest creative inspirations. She and her husband, Philip, live in Sydney where they both work in the art industry. C and I used to run a hotel together called C&A's. Our services as 9,10,11-year-old girls included cooking, light cleaning, and mints on the pillows of our grandparents. We also had evening violin and flute concerts and matching hotel uniforms. Our fees for staying in C&A's wonderful suites were very reasonable: All of the change in our grandfather's money dish. :)

Other creative endavors with C include taking pictures on the Konza prairie, experiencing Wilderness Ranch together, learning how to play poker, gin, and bridge by Grandmother Dreher, burying a time capsle, fighting for territory in the woods with the Macy boys, pulling Great Grandmother's wig off, and getting matching 80's boomboxes for Christmas. Carolyn has a unique way of looking at the world that should be celebrated today. She has given us the most unique and thoughtful gifts we've ever received including Austrailian wind chimes, photographs of loved ones, a Joey Kangaroo, a unique collection of Austrailian Children's Classics, and a bugaboo hat. I'm pretty sad that Thomas won't have a cousin close to his age to share memories with like I had. According to Uncles Paul and Conor, Dreher cousins are at least 10 years away.

So here's a blog toast To My Cousin Carolyn---To another 28 years of creative energy!