I've been thinking today about a client I had in Denver we will call Sarah. I met with Sarah for two years nearly weekly. She is in her mid-50's and is married with no children. Sarah did something that I've noticed it is hard for many people to do: she got help. She decided her life wasn't being lived to the fullest because of some emotional baggage she carried from her childhood. We ALL have emotional baggage from our childhoods. Yes, some people have 10 suitcases and some have 2, but we ALL have stuff swimming around inside us that needs to come out, be dealt with, and then packed away and shipped to a foreign land.
Most of the adults I know have never taken the step Sarah did. They assume they don't have stuff to deal with or maybe they just have fond childhood memories. They don't understand that un-dealt-with baggage seeps out of them and creates issues in their marriage, their close relationships, and especially their parenting. I've noticed lately that people over 30 and those of us from the Mid-West are particularly reluctant to seek help for emotional problems. In Denver it was kind of hip to be in therapy for a few years in your 20's. Not so here. And the sad thing is that those who are most reluctant to really digging stuff up and taking a look at it stand out like a Bronco Fan at a Chiefs Game. Their woundedness is apparent and sad, just like mine was in high school and college.
When I was training to be a therapist, David and I both saw a counselor individually once a week for a year. It was the best school assignment I've ever been given, and I consider myself a blessed woman that my husband was willing to look at himself too. The self-awareness and confidence that came out of that period has made us whole. Both as individuals and in our marriage. Throughout that year there were times where we were both angry with our parents, forgiving of our parents, hard on year other, tender with each other. The emotional spectrum was broad. But it was so worth it. My parents and a few of our friends have been on the same journey. I can spot a healthy person or couple a mile away. Unfortunately I can also spot the opposite.
Three years later we are still going strong based on what we learned about ourselves and each other in counseling. We have an incredible marriage. Yes, we still wound each other. Yes, I sometimes still get too mad and David gets too passive, but we are now AWARE where those things come from and able to face them head on instead of being blindsided. And as far as Thomas? We know we are going to mess up and pass on some unhealthy traits to him. But our hope is that when he is 25 and going through counseling he will be able to talk to us about it all and eventually grant us grace. It's much easier to grant grace to parents who have been on the journey and are willing to look at their faults than to those who haven't. We are headed back in for a tune-up soon, and it will be great to have someone objective listen.
Many have asked me if I think this kind of work can be done in a church. My answer is no. God made us whole people with physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional parts. Pastors are not trained to deal with the emotional parts of us, just like you wouldn't ask your counselor to also be your weight-lifting coach. The church can provide support to other parts of us, but it can't be a sole source of emotional support. A bible study where a leader asks how things are going for you is not the kind of work I'm talking about. I thought church and emotional work were one in the same for a long time. They are not.
So consider taking the step my client did. All the odds were against her: she is older, she didn't want to spend the money, she was set in her ways, she is from Michigan, and she didn't have tons of obvious baggage. But she took the step and sought me out. A year ago I received a letter from her stating because of her therapy she is now able to be more centered, at peace, and whole. I can say the same thing. Can you?
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