Mommy War

So far bed rest has been a good thing for me. It's forced me to slow down and focus on the blessings in my life. Not having the gym and music class as outings each week has forced me to think of fun, creative things for Tommy and I to do together at home (or at least very close to home). Today was "Happy Polar Bear Day." Pictures to come. I've also been thinking about what kind of mom I want to be and have become. Of course that thought goes straight to the stay-at-home vs. working mom question for me. I've been more or less a full-time stay-at-home mom for 2.5 years now. I would have thought I would feel at peace one way or the other about working vs. staying home by now, but it is still a war inside me. Here are some thoughts about that:

Benefits to Staying Home:
1. I never doubt whether I am spending enough time with Tommy.
2. When he gets sick or something pops up last minute, it isn't a juggle to find care for him.
3. I hope I am setting David up to succeed in his job by taking care of things on the home front (although he cooks and pays bills and does a fair share of the childcare).
4. Our pace of life is slow. Tommy and I almost never rush to get somewhere, and it's easy for me to stop and see things through his eyes (like the bird on our deck today he was excited about).
5. I can go on vacation or take a trip somewhere whenever I want to without calculation.
6. I know the time will come fairly soon for me to really focus on my career goals and when my boys don't need me as much.

Cons to Staying Home:
1. The lack of intellectual stimulation and chance to use what I'm trained in really drains me.
2. I contribute nothing to the family finances, which makes me feel powerless sometimes.
3. While our pace is slow, we don't have very much structure. I thrive on structure, but it's hard for me to create it on my own.
4. Tommy LOVES school and gets bored at home at least once or twice a week. This leads to tantrums and acting out.
5. Sometimes I wonder if I would be a better mother if I spent a little less time with Tommy and was forced to make the most out of the time we do have together.
6. I don't want to be 50 before I get my PhD and am doing what I want to do career wise.

There you have it. A big decision around our house right now is whether I will student teach (I want to spend 2 years in the classroom before moving into a counseling position, if possible) next Spring or Fall. So we'd have both the boys in full-time care (well 4 days a week since they will go to Grammy's on Mondays) when they are either 7 months and 3 or 16 months and almost 4. That semester will be a tell-all for me about what it's like to work with little ones. I'd love to hear thoughts on the subject via comments.