Grey is a Beautiful Color

For some reason today is the day for a more serious post. Ever since moving back to Kansas City I've thought quite a bit about who I was in high school and then college. I really grew and changed in Denver...partly due to seminary, a lot due to marriage, and mostly just from growing up. The most tangible thing that has changed for me is my faith. My faith is so different from what it used to be that I hesitate to even blog about it because telling everyone what I believe is what I USED to do. But, I'm an external processor so here we go...

I met with my college roommate today for a play date and had the urge to stand on top of one of the Step 2 play structures and proclaim how much I've changed and grown since 1999. Here is this amazing woman that I never really got to know in college because I was living in my narrow bubble. I want to apologize to everyone I run into from my past about parts of the person I was, especially in college.

I was introduced to the idea of faith in high school through a ministry called Young Life. For the most part I remained fairly open minded and well rounded in high school. I was friends with a lot of people in many different circles. After my senior year I went to work at camp for the first time and came back...different.

My view and scope of God and people started to get VERY small and VERY judgmental. There was one right way to have faith. That included a daily quiet time, memorizing verses from the bible, only hanging out with other Christians so as not to corrupt yourself, no drinking or sex, and seeking out "mountain top/spiritual high" retreats and camp experiences. Enter my friends at the Tri-Delt house. Very few women were living in my box at the time, so I had very few friends. Looking back, I think my personality needed black and white answers to feel good about myself. I was struggling with weight issues and needed to become a super-Christian to compensate. I was asking the question, "How do I have faith in college?" The answer was simple: do these things and be part of this campus ministry and you will be a "strong" believer.

The problem wasn't that I had faith. The problem was that it became my life. I wasn't open to new ideas and experiences BECAUSE of my narrow faith. It was my way or the highway, so most people in my mind were cruising down I-70 (they were probably headed toward the West Coast where all those liberal hippies live). With each year of college my thinking became more judgmental. My friends and mentors were telling me my thinking was "right" or "good," but deep down I knew better. I had to escape. So, I graduated early and moved to Boulder. I played my guitar on the street and worked in a public school to earn money. I didn't go to church or seek out Christian friends. It was the most open minded thing I had done in 4 years.

Enter David...back at spiritual wonderland, i.e. the camp where we both worked, David began to catch my eye. Here was this guy that had traveled all over the world, was pretty open minded, had rejected his black and white Baptist upbringing but still had faith. Hmmm. So in true spiritual high form we got married. FAST. Finally I can have sex. What a relief.

Our first two years in Denver were when things began to unravel for me. No one was praising me anymore for getting up early to read my bible. David wasn't really interested in going to church or reading his bible everyday. I sat in seminary classes and became more confused than ever by all the different ways to translate scripture. I became exposed to the world around me and saw some not so pretty stuff. HOLY SHIT. Faith is not a matter of black and white answers! Why do some people not have a home when others live in mansions? I don't know. How could God let some kids starve when I get to eat out all the time? I don't know. Why didn't I "feel" as close to God as I did when I was working at camp? I don't know. Why was the church shunning homosexuals or AIDS victims when they are the ones Jesus would have loved the most? I don't know. Why does the church I go to seem to care more about their new building campaign than the people without a winter coat down the street? I don't know. Why did all the "godly and submissive" wives I know really seem to be resentful and angry along with emotionally unhealthy? I don't know. With 6 Billion people on the planet, how could there only be one road to heaven? I REALLY don't know.

Then there I was in year four of living away from Answerville. For the first time since high school I have gay friends and alcoholic friends and party friends and Buddist friends and Latino friends. David and I were attending a church that cares more for their neighbors than whether the sermon envoked an emotional response. We still believed in God and had faith, it just looked incredibly different than it did before. Things were grey, and I was at peace with myself and in my relationships.

You know what is coming next, don't you. David decided that more than anything else he was passionate about people discovering their cultural identities and applied to several PhD programs, one of which was KU. I was pregnant, so we moved on home and immediately went through shell shock. I hadn't kept up with many people from high school when I was more free, so I jumped back in with the college crowd. I figured I could be my new, open-minded self even with my old friends. I'm sad to report that for the most part those friendships have not worked out very well. We had based our friendships on being like-minded in our faith, and since I now see faith as just a part of my life instead of my whole life it was hard to know where to begin with people. We also began at a church that didn't fit so well with our new selves either.

And so for the past year we have been left to again define who we are, what we want to teach our son about life, and who we want to associate with. We are not sure about the typical, evangelical, American church. So, we haven't gone to church very much. We love our gay neighbors and family members who have never "proclaimed Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior." We try not to say things anymore like, "God is so good" or "God has a plan" because sometimes the world is pretty crappy. We are registered democrats because we believe that people need help. And you know what? No one knows for sure what happens when you die. I do believe there is a beautiful place like heaven, but I also think there will be a lot more people there than I ever imagined.

So, to close my longest blog post ever, no, we are not cynical anti-Christians. Yes, we are going to raise Thomas as part of a church community. (We think we found one yesterday www.saintandrewcc.org that could be a good fit). Yes, we believe in God and that Jesus Christ was his Son who came into the world and died for us. Yes, we believe the church's main role is to promote social justice and civil rights, not to get your friends to come hang out with you over a donut. Yes, we are praying for soft, understanding hearts, especially with our friends who the black and white answers still work for. And no, we hope never to jump back into the hard-core evangelical circles we have both worked hard to break free from. Oh and no, we probably won't promote Young Life or Youth Group to Thomas unless it aligns with our/his values. Everything else we aren't sure about, but I do know one thing. Sometimes, even when your personal shopper that you won a free session with at an auction tells you grey isn't a good color for you, grey can be a pretty beautiful color, especially when you only used to wear black or white.

Am I Marriage Material?

So we are becoming good friends with our neighbors. They came over for dinner on Tuesday night and told us about a fight they recently had about the cleanliness level of their house. The husband mentioned that our house is always clean when he comes over (which it is, I admit), and the wife, who works full-time, began to brim with frustration. "Why don't you just marry Adrienne then!" she shouted.

Now just so you know I did not have many dates in high school or a long line of men who wanted to marry me. I was slightly flattered that the cleanliness of my house would cause a dispute and therefore charge to marry me. However, it was extremely easy to come up with some good reasons why our neighbor may not want to consider his wife's proposal. In a true wifely confession format, here we go:

1. I am a grump in the morning. I don't speak to anyone until at least 9am. I've been known to bite David's head off for saying, "Good Morning, Beautiful."
2. I'm pretty selfish with how I want to spend money. If it were up to me we would spend all our extra money on clothes and things only for me. Maybe I would get a few things for Thomas, but definitely nothing for David.
3. I may have trained myself about how to be a good housekeeper, but I CAN'T cook. I would eat the same thing every night for dinner (a bowl of cereal) and be happy.
4. The bat wing factor. Enough Said.
5. I can never make up my mind. I have to change my mind about a decision at least 12 times before settling in to something. Tommy's music teacher knows this to be the case. This semester I have switched from the Thursday to the Tuesday to the Wednesday class.
6. I am impulsive and intense about certain topics.
7. I have two brothers that would kick the ass of any man that ever hurt me. To say they were skeptical of David at first is an understatement.

I DO however, excel in other areas. Pretty big areas, if I do say so myself. So here are some things my neighbor might want to at least consider, you know if David decides the above list is too much for him.

1. I have a HIGH sex drive for about one week a month. And I love sex once you get me going.
2. For the most part after 9am I am pretty easy going, friendly, and loving.
3. My house is always clean, for the most part.
4. I'm funny.
5. I'm very creative.

So there you have it. Let the proposals roll in.

Book Review-Yes Ma'am.

I was honestly really disappointed in this book. I thought its predecessor, Preparation for Parenting (Or Baby Wise) was really helpful, but I gained very little from this read. I think I might need to read the Growing Kids God's Way version.

The only thing we are implementing from this theory is to have Thomas respond when we give instructions with a "Yes, Mommy or No, Mommy" and to continue to create structure and routine in his day. We had considered carrying on the Lisenby tradition of having him say "Yes, Ma'am and Yes, Sir," but David doesn't want his own son to call him "Sir." Plus, David's parents never made the transition out of this stage and still expect a "Yes, Sir" from us today. I think Ma'am and Sir has brought a degree of formality in the Lisenby family that I do not want with my kids. Thomas will be required to answer with more than a "What? or Yeah?" though, which is what I did as a kid.

Does anyone have any other suggestions on favorite parenting books? How does (did) manner training work in your house? I'm kind of on a roll of creating structure and routine after reading Dr. Ferber's sleep book and Toddler Wise.

Funny Faces

Does anyone know why my son will smile for the camera when he is alone in a picture but not when there are other people involved? Below is an example of my dilemma. This is my friend Carly from high school (also a bridesmaid in our wedding and namesake of the family dog) with her new son Peyton back in KC. Tommy wants nothing to do with smiling in this picture or other recent family shots. At least Carly and Peyton look good!

Santa Fe

Santa Fe is my kind of place. I love it there. In fact, the SW is my kind of region...laid back, environmentally friendly, fun, culture, unique shopping, etc. Here are some of my favorite pictures from our 3-day trip.

What the Cabin is Like...

I used to put pictures of a white Jeep Wrangler in my dad's briefcase when I was 15 just to make sure he knew what kind of car I wanted. It didn't work out for me then, but I get to drive this white jeep here.

The area is so close to New Mexico that there is definitely a Southwestern flare. I love these address tiles my parents got in Taos last year. I've slowly been adding a little SW touch to my house myself.

These black-eyed susans are outside the kitchen window. I love these flowers.

The rest are just some pictures so you can see what it is like here. The first is the view from the driveway in front. Next is the front of the cabin. It has 3 bedrooms and 2 baths. The flowers are my mom's wildflower garden where I usually check my e-mail b/c the signal is the strongest outside. There is a hammock in the back among the evergreens and aspens to take a little snooze before the afternoon rains. And the bridge goes over the pond that Tommy constantly wants to swim in.

Chillin'

We are back at the cabin until the 15th. For this trip we are planning our annual trip to Taos, meeting some Wilderness friends for hikes near hippie towns, reading "Toddler Wise" to learn more about our crazy 20 month old, and watching Sunset Tan on cable. Today we went to feed some carrots to miniature horses while we acclimate to the 9000 feet. Now that we have internet here, I'm going to try to post every few days so readers can get a feel for what the cabin is like. Right now I have a bad altitude headache but am sitting outside while I type in front of my mom's wildflower garden. Thunder is rolling down the valley and humming birds are swarming the feeder David just filled up. It smells like evergreen. Beautiful.

Creative Activity of the Week

I'm trying to be structured enough to do at least one craft or creative project with Thomas per week. This week we are learning about polar bears. We went to the library to get some books on the topic and have been crawling around with white socks on our hands. Thomas latched on to this activity at baby music and has been doing it constantly ever since.

This whole summer at Kindermusik we have been learning about animals at the zoo. Yesterday we made animal cookies for our music friends and iced them together. In case you can't tell from the picture, there are polar bears, purple elephants, lions, and giraffes. Thomas is starting to ask for his friends by name on a daily basis, so it will be fun to hand deliver these plates of cookies to Todd, Sadie, Georgia, Piper, and a few other music friends! :)

Attempt #2

Here is the 2nd attempt at the train cake. I forgot to get the stuff to make black wheels, but I would say overall this one is an improvement. The stars are a lot closer together and the colors look brighter. Next time I'll be making the cake itself from scratch as well as trying cream cheese icing. I will also outline the whole thing in white instead of red. My food critics, Tommy and Georgia, gave this cake 3 stars.

Thomas Update

My baby is 20 months old now. Twenty months means we are almost out of saying months. This Fall we will probably say, "He'll be 2 in November." People tell me all the time how fast these years go, but it has been so different than I thought it would be. Our days at home together seem long...there is so much time to be present with my baby as the day drags on. But then some nights I can't believe he has already gone to bed. I occasionally miss a whole day of special moments with Tommy Sam. I realize then how short this time is, and how just yesterday he was calling his trains GA-GA's, yet today he calls them Choo-Choos.

My little boy is sweet. His personality has really come out over the last few months. Especially in a new or overwhelming situation, he is a quiet observer, slow to jump in. He is very affectionate and kind. Once he gets his bearings, he slowly begins to engage. He likes to be a big ham when there are no other kids around. In a group of kids, however, he is pretty shy, content to play with one or two others at a time. When we have family time in the evenings, he laughs and laughs and loves to wrestle. He doesn't like it when anyone else is sad or in trouble, although he gets in trouble at least once a day. Right now it is for throwing things when he is angry. His anger comes out in short bursts and then goes away. He is like me in that way.

One way he is far more like David is his persistence. He is content to play with one toy for hours and doesn't look for mischief. He will sit and watch an hour movie with no problem. He doesn't really get into things yet except for taking his diaper off at night. I can't figure out what his love language is going to be. He is not a big cuddler, so I don't think it is physical touch. We'll see. I just wanted you all to hear some things about my baby today.

The Eulogy I Would Have Given

David's beloved grandmother passed away on July 10th. We spent the weekend in Houston attending her funeral and other services. Louisianans are awesome. When someone passes away the friends of the deceased have a craw fish boil for the whole family. It was a beautiful weekend of remembering and being grateful for the long life GG had. She made a book of things to remember for her grandchildren and had a bag of her things set aside for me. I was so honored, considering I am just the granddaughter-in-law. Here is the eulogy or toast I would have given and that I will send to Tom-Tom next week when things die down for him a bit.

A Rare and Precious Gem

My grandmothers both passed away when I was in high school. Looking back, I can see that college was a rather rough time for me. I didn't have anyone in the grandmother role guiding me through life. I needed a mentor. I needed a strong, capable woman who would teach me important things about being an adult and transitioning into the real world. God knew this couldn't be just any woman. It had to be a solid rock.

God gave me GG. In May 2002 at David's graduation from college I met GG for the first time. We immediately clicked. She embraced me from the first moment we interacted, dragging me into family pictures, teasing me about not wearing any make-up, teaching me how to shell crab. She was a breath of fresh air in what had seemed like an eternity of waiting for a grandmother again. She was INCLUSIVE, WARM, STRONG, and cared enough to know me on more than just a surface level.

At our rehearsal dinner GG went up to my youngest brother and proclaimed the following in her deep southern drawl, "Well hello, I haven't met you yet. I'm David's grandmother, GG. GG stands for Gorgeous Grandmother. Have you met my granddaughter yet? She's about your age. She's a gem just like me."

My brother still laughs about the impression GG made on him in those few moments. You have to be quite the character to go around telling 17-year-olds that you are a gem. But GG described herself perfectly. A gem. Hmmm. Like most words I hold in my brain for more than an second, I googled its meaning. A gem: something that is valued for its beauty or perfection. A beloved or highly prized person. The perfect description for GG.

For the past 6 years I have had the wonderful opportunity to get to know the rare stone God brought into my life. Through lunches or phone calls I learned things not just like how to train your husband to get you whatever you want and how to make gumbo but how to give money away, how to include ALL family members in your life, what true faith looks like, and how to give thoughtful gifts. GG always sent me a check for my birthday with a note that said, "This is just for you. Go do something special, and don't let David get his grubby hands on it." I will miss those notes.

When my son Thomas (who was named after GG's husband Tom-Tom) was born, GG began teaching me how to be a mother. She flew up to our home within a month of Tommy's birth for a weekend of "meeting the baby." Once, when she didn't know I was listening, she began telling Thomas important things about life. "ALWAYS be nice to your mother," she said. "ALWAYS remember how much your GG loves you." "NEVER fart unless there is a dog in the room." It was that weekend that GG told me she thought I would be an excellent mother. It is one of the highest compliments I've ever received.

As I transitioned into the role of being a stay-at-home mom GG and I began a new tradition. We had "Girl Chat" every Friday afternoon during nap time. It was in these chats that she listened to me wine about all the baby weight I still had to lose (she did say that any diet that doesn't include at least a glass of wine every day was no good), she answered questions about mothering, and she showed interest in anything I was doing. She made me feel VALUED and SPECIAL. I realized that GG had a special relationship like this not with just me, but with all her granddaughters, family members, and friends. She had a gift for making others feel like a prized and rare gem. One time when she called at our appointed time on a Friday afternoon, David answered the phone. She was mad that he was home from work early that day because girl chat with him around would just not be the same.

A gem: something that is valued for its beauty and perfection. A beloved or highly prized person. I can't help but think of GG sparkling up in heaven in her own unique way.

David and I lost a baby to miscarriage on the 4th of July, just six days before GG passed. We have found great comfort in knowing that when GG arrived at the pearly gates of heaven on July 10, 2008 one of the first things she did was find our unborn child and say, "Well, Hello. I'm GGG, your Gorgeous Great-Grandmother. I'm going to take care of you until your parents get here. Let's sit down so I can teach you some of my bits of wisdom about life." GG, a highly prized person indeed.

Train Cake---Attempt #1

I've decided that if I'm not going to be a very good cook the least I can do for my kids is make them bad ass birthday cakes each year. I'm signing up for a cake decorating class at Michaels and going to give it a go. Today I did a little trial run with my new train cake mold-the longing of Tommy's heart for his 2nd Birthday in November. (At least I am hoping he still longs for trains by then). My goal is to try this cake every few weeks until I come up with the perfect design and flavor for his b-day party. Call me over the top, but I know you are secretly excited to watch the train cake evolve over the next few months. Tips are always welcome, however extra pounds from this new creative outlet are not. PS-Can you believe I actually took the time to make all those little stars?

Here's what I will change on this one for next time...
1. Make the red icing RED (not peachy-orange) using Wilton food dye with pink icing
2. Make the wheels black, not white
3. Find some sort of people to go in the windows?
4. Something must be done about the taste of this cake. Today I just did the cake itself from a box b/c I wanted to see how the mold worked, but I'm seeking out recipes for cakes from scratch that work well in molds.
5. Do not use White Chocolate Frosting, yuck.
6. Buy the actual icing bags instead of using ziplocks.
7. I want to have box cars attached to the back of the cake and a caboose. I'm thinking sugar cookies for that part.
8. Build some sort of edible track.
9. Do the outside edges with white.
10. Make the stars even smaller so there is more icing. It was a little skimpy.

Cow Appreciation Day

If you dressed like a cow today at Chick-Fil-A you got a free meal! Since eating isn't really Tommy's thing, I got to eat his kid's meal!

Cabin Pictures.

I thought I should get these pictures up before we go back to the cabin in a few weeks. The girls in the 1st photo are the Shep girls, daughters of my friends from college. Their Papa has a cabin in the same neighborhood as ours! Happy Viewing.

Tampons in Vaginas

We are obviously still grieving the loss of our little baby (see below post), but I had to post a conversation I overheard today. I was taking a short walk around the block just trying to get outside this morning when I heard 3 teenage boys hanging out in a driveway. One of them started to ride away on his bike when his friend yelled after him, "You have a huge tampon in your vagina!" Even after losing a baby, I had to laugh the whole walk home.

Miscarriage

I'm so sad to post that we lost our baby last week to miscarriage. We know the little guy or gal is in heaven and just wasn't ready to come into the world, but we are pretty devastated. If any of you have stories of people having successful pregnancies after miscarriage or infertility please let me know. I think some success stories would really encourage us right now. Also pray for direction, because in the next 6 or so weeks while I recover from this we will need to decide about fertility drugs, hormone therapies, going back on the pill, adoption, etc. My body was not producing enough hormones to keep the baby alive, which could obviously be a problem in subsequent pregnancies. For now though, good-bye baby. I loved you from the moment I found out about you.

Night Night

I have been so tired lately that I actually drove by a highway median yesterday and thought, "I could lay down there and sleep for at least 8 hours." Other places I have thought about curling up for a little nap include: 1. The Chick-Fil-A play space; 2. The end of my driveway while Tommy plays while sidewalk chalk; 3. The landing of a slide at the park; 4. My bathroom floor; 5. The Merry-Go-Round at the mall--I thought the motion might help the nausea; 6. My yoga mat in the middle of class. Night night.

In Mourning

I'm mourning the loss of something very important in my life: the ability to sleep on my stomach. Oh how quickly I had forgotten what a terrible night slumber without belly time makes. You see, at only 8 weeks my uterus is already started to expand, even though I've successfully not gained any weight yet. (!!) As soon as I naturally and comfortably roll over in my perfect sleep position my bladder gets compressed. I've even tried angling my legs out at 90 degrees or wedging myself into a side/belly position. To no avail. I will miss you, my sweet stomach, for more reasons than just the ability to sleep on you soundly. I will see you again for sleeping in about 7 months. For non-jelly rolls in about 2 years, and for bikinis probably never. Back and sides here I come.

Goals for Pregnancy #2

1. Gain less than 50lbs. this time. Any number less than 50 will be seen as successful, although the normal 25-35 range would be ideal especially considering I'm starting 10 lbs. higher than I did with #1.
-Meet this goal by starting off trimester #1 with less than a 5lb. gain, making healthy choices, staying away from fast food,
especially Taco Bell, only give into Winsteads once a week, minimal pop and one dessert or less per day

2. Exercise regularly, including walking, weights, elliptical machine, and yoga 5-6 times a week. (I only went for the occasional walk last time).

3. Enjoy the process knowing that the bodily ailments will be over soon enough and that this will probably be my last pregnancy.

4. Try to keep complaining about huge boobs, back spasms, thunder thighs, bat arms, and calf cramps to a minimum except for the occasional rant on this blog.

5. Practice thinking positive thoughts about getting up at night by getting out of bed happily when my alarm goes off at 6:15 each day. Yes, I know this will be much different when it is 12, 3, and 6am, but at least I can point myself in the right direction.

Probably more to come as we go along...

She's Coming Back

You read it here first. Pretty much to the day I lost all my baby weight I am pregnant again! WhooHoo! We are so excited. We got to hear the heartbeat today, and Thomas thought the sound was a choo-choo train. He also wanted to be the one to "color" mommy's belly with the jelly stuff. I think when it is time to find out the sex he will be staying at Grammy's for a few hours. I am 6 weeks along and due on February 12th. This puts Tommy and Baby Lisenby at exactly 2 years and 3 months apart. We can't believe it! Congratulations to us!